In a development that has sent Moscow's spin doctors into a frothing frenzy, the Kremlin has confirmed that its fuel crisis has deepened following a series of Ukrainian strikes on Russian-occupied territories. The attacks, which the Ministry of Defence in London obliquely described as 'consistent with Ukraine's right to self-defence,' have reportedly knocked out several key oil depots and refineries. One can almost hear the collective sigh of relief from every petrol pump in the Donbas, assuming they haven't been shelled into oblivion.
Let us be clear: Russia's fuel shortage is now so acute that even the oligarchs are considering carpooling to their Swiss chalets. The situation is so dire that President Putin has been forced to consider rationing, though sources close to the Kremlin insist the rationing will be 'fair and just' and will apply exclusively to ordinary Russians, while the elite will continue to guzzle as much black gold as their private jets can carry.
Now, the UK's role in all this is, naturally, being painted by the state-approved Russian media as a dastardly act of aggression. The headline writers at RT are probably having seizures trying to conjure up adjectives sufficient to describe perfidious Albion's latest treachery. But let's be honest, if you were a Ukrainian general and your British chums offered you a cheeky little missile to take out a refinery that's been refining petrol for the tanks currently flattening your hospitals, you'd take it. You'd take it and smile.
The situation on the ground is, as ever, a chaotic mess of conflicting reports. The Ukrainian military claims to have destroyed a fuel train near Mariupol, while the Russian defence ministry insists they shot down seventeen HIMARS missiles and a unicorn. Meanwhile, the price of a litre of petrol in Moscow has reportedly increased by the cost of a small goat, and there are rumours that the Kremlin is considering converting its national reserve of vodka into a makeshift ethanol blend. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
But here's the kicker: this fuel crisis could actually be a good thing for the environment. Think about it. With fewer Russian tanks rumbling around, carbon emissions drop, the wildlife returns to the Chernobyl exclusion zone, and the only thing burning is the Kremlin's diplomatic credibility. It's a win-win, unless you happen to live in an apartment block that's just been flattened by a missile that was supposed to hit a fuel depot two miles away. Then it's a win-lose, with an emphasis on the lose.
Now, some might argue that the UK should not be encouraging Ukraine to strike at Russia's energy infrastructure, lest we escalate the conflict. To which I say: nonsense. If you want to stop a war, you don't politely ask the aggressor to please stop; you make it very, very expensive for them to continue. And what's more expensive than a sudden, acute shortage of the very stuff that powers your war machine? Not much, short of a plague of weevils in the Kremlin's grain stores.
So raise a glass of whatever petrol-based cocktail you can afford to the brave Ukrainian soldiers and their British backers. May their aim be true, their supply lines secure, and may the only thing running out be Putin's patience. Cheers, comrades.
