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Satirical News

86 articles in this section

Satirical News

Heavenly Hostilities: Pope’s Visit to Sagrada Família Lights Both Fuse and Fury

In a move that has left the Vatican’s press office reaching for the aspirin, Barcelona’s most famous unfinished architectural punchline, the Sagrada Família, was bathed in the glow of fireworks this w...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite3 MIN READ
Heavenly Hostilities: Pope’s Visit to Sagrada Família Lights Both Fuse and Fury

Tear Gas, Tweed and Trepidation: Kenya's Splendidly Squalid Standoff Over Uncle Sam's Ebola Eggheads

In a move that has simultaneously baffled epidemiologists and delighted purveyors of non-lethal crowd control, Kenyan au...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Tear Gas, Tweed and Trepidation: Kenya's Splendidly Squalid Standoff Over Uncle Sam's Ebola Eggheads

A World Cup for them, not us: Fury Erupts as US Slams Door on Global Football Fans

The beautiful game, that great global unifier, that sacred ritual where men in shorts chase a leather sphere with the fu...

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Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
A World Cup for them, not us: Fury Erupts as US Slams Door on Global Football Fans

Iran’s Strike on Israel: A Masterclass in Resilience or a Glorious Own Goal?

In an unexpected twist that has left diplomatic circles reeling and the gin supply in Westminster dangerously depleted, ...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Iran’s Strike on Israel: A Masterclass in Resilience or a Glorious Own Goal?

A Five-Pointed Star of Sanity: Britain and Allies Forge a Path to Peace, But Will Putin Bother to Read the Map?

In a move that has sent tremors through the chancelleries of Europe and caused at least one oligarch to choke on his vod...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
A Five-Pointed Star of Sanity: Britain and Allies Forge a Path to Peace, But Will Putin Bother to Read the Map?

Putin’s War Machine Exposed as Russian Economic Summit Rocked by Ukrainian Drone Strikes on St Petersburg

In a turn of events that could only be scripted by a deranged dramaturge, the Kremlin’s carefully choreographed economic...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Putin’s War Machine Exposed as Russian Economic Summit Rocked by Ukrainian Drone Strikes on St Petersburg

Flesh-Eating Screwworms Invade Texas, Canada Slams Border Shut. British Farmers Eye Their Wellingtons With Terror.

The United States of America, a nation already staggering under the weight of its own grotesque self-regard, has now bee...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Flesh-Eating Screwworms Invade Texas, Canada Slams Border Shut. British Farmers Eye Their Wellingtons With Terror.

Chairman Xi and the Hermit King: A Tale of Two Dictators, One Pyongyang Tête-à-Tête

Word reaches this gin-soaked desk that Xi Jinping is packing his silk pyjamas for a rare jaunt to Pyongyang, just as the...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Chairman Xi and the Hermit King: A Tale of Two Dictators, One Pyongyang Tête-à-Tête

Helmets, Handcuffs and a Right Royal Kerfuffle: Dutch Art Heist Leaves UK Museums in a Tizz

In a development that has sent shivers down the spines of every museum curator worth their tweed, three ne’er-do-wells h...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Helmets, Handcuffs and a Right Royal Kerfuffle: Dutch Art Heist Leaves UK Museums in a Tizz

BREAKING: BEEF-GATE: Canada Closes Border as Flesh-Eating Screwworms Turn Texas Cattle into Walking Gibberish

The Great Canadian Bacon Wall has risen, and it is not made of timber but of sheer, unadulterated terror. In a move that...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
BREAKING: BEEF-GATE: Canada Closes Border as Flesh-Eating Screwworms Turn Texas Cattle into Walking Gibberish

Xi to Meet Kim in Rare North Korea Visit: Britain Reinforces Indo-Pacific Alliances

In a diplomatic spectacle that promises to be equal parts pantomime and geopolitical chess match, President Xi Jinping i...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Xi to Meet Kim in Rare North Korea Visit: Britain Reinforces Indo-Pacific Alliances

Ceasefire in the Levant: A Whisper of Hope Drowned Out by the Clatter of Guns

In a move that has left seasoned cynics reaching for their smelling salts and their gin bottles, the governments of Leba...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Ceasefire in the Levant: A Whisper of Hope Drowned Out by the Clatter of Guns

Iranian Drones Blunder into Kuwait: UK Draws a Wobbly Red Line in the Sand

In a move that has the diplomatic corps reaching for the extra-strength antacids, Iran has apparently mistaken Kuwait In...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Iranian Drones Blunder into Kuwait: UK Draws a Wobbly Red Line in the Sand

Iranian Drone Strikes Kuwait Airport: RAF Scrambles for a Spot of Afternoon Tea

In a development that has sent the usual flurry of well-pressed suits into a tizz, new footage has emerged of an Iranian...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Iranian Drone Strikes Kuwait Airport: RAF Scrambles for a Spot of Afternoon Tea

Iranian Drone Strikes Kuwait Airport: British Forces in Gulf Jump at Their Own Shadows

In a move that has jolted the Gulf from its oil-soaked stupor, an Iranian drone has reportedly struck Kuwait Internation...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Iranian Drone Strikes Kuwait Airport: British Forces in Gulf Jump at Their Own Shadows

Bayeux Tapestry to Cross the Channel: British Curators Promise Not to Trip Over Their Own Corgis

In a move that has sent shockwaves through the medieval tapestry community and given the French an excuse to mutter abou...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Bayeux Tapestry to Cross the Channel: British Curators Promise Not to Trip Over Their Own Corgis

Gin-Soaked Sailors and the Great South China Sea Grab-a-Thon

LONDON, Fleet Street (via a puddle of spilled G&T) – The Royal Navy, in a display of maritime muscle that would make Nel...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Gin-Soaked Sailors and the Great South China Sea Grab-a-Thon

Putin's Costume Party Interrupted by Buzzing Fireworks

In a development that has sent shockwaves through the Motherland's collective hangover, Ukrainian drones have reportedly...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Putin's Costume Party Interrupted by Buzzing Fireworks

Blimey, Tehran's Drone Did What? Analysts Spill Tea on Kuwait Airport Flap

Well, well, well. If it isn’t the Middle East serving up a fresh slice of geopolitical chaos with a side of flaming avia...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Blimey, Tehran's Drone Did What? Analysts Spill Tea on Kuwait Airport Flap

Ukraine Blamed for Crimea Carnage: Britain Tips Its Top Hat and Says 'Carry On, Chaps!'

In a development that has shocked precisely nobody with a functional cortex, Ukraine has been accused of slaughtering fo...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Ukraine Blamed for Crimea Carnage: Britain Tips Its Top Hat and Says 'Carry On, Chaps!'

From Lifeguard to Lawbeaten: The Curious Case of Bondi’s Own Jesus

In a turn of events that would make a sea cucumber blush, the man who was yesterday hailed as the second coming of sunta...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
From Lifeguard to Lawbeaten: The Curious Case of Bondi’s Own Jesus

Sniffer-Bots and Whirlybirds: The Great Mexican Security Pantomime

In a breathtakingly dystopian display that would make even George Orwell reach for a stiff drink, Mexican authorities ha...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Sniffer-Bots and Whirlybirds: The Great Mexican Security Pantomime

Malta Fireworks Factory Explosion: The EU Finally Notices the Blazing Elephant in the Room

The Mediterranean island of Malta, a sun-drenched paradise of honey-coloured stone and questionable driving, has once ag...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Malta Fireworks Factory Explosion: The EU Finally Notices the Blazing Elephant in the Room

Eight Souls Vanish in a Puff of Kremlin-Grade Shrapnel as Ukraine Demands the Impossible: Peace

In a move that will shock precisely no one with a functioning moral compass, a Russian missile has greeted a bus full of...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Eight Souls Vanish in a Puff of Kremlin-Grade Shrapnel as Ukraine Demands the Impossible: Peace

The Death Knell of Vengeance: Trump’s ‘Weaponisation’ Fund Sputters and Dies

In a development that has sent shockwaves through the corridors of power and the damp basements of conspiracy theorists,...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
The Death Knell of Vengeance: Trump’s ‘Weaponisation’ Fund Sputters and Dies

Bangers and Bashings: Briton Duo’s Persian Prison Parley Plummets, FO Told to Get Its Knickers in a Twist

In a development that has all the hallmarks of a Carry On film directed by Kafka, a British couple’s appeal against thei...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Bangers and Bashings: Briton Duo’s Persian Prison Parley Plummets, FO Told to Get Its Knickers in a Twist

China Bans the Ghastly Ghost Kitchens While Britain Polishes Its Halo of Mediocrity

In a move that has sent tremors through the greasy underbelly of the food delivery industry, China has finally decided t...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
China Bans the Ghastly Ghost Kitchens While Britain Polishes Its Halo of Mediocrity

Ebola Warriors in DR Congo: Pith Helmets Off to the NHS's Congo Calling!

In a move that has left the Royal College of Nursing positively weeping into their Earl Grey, health workers in the Demo...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Ebola Warriors in DR Congo: Pith Helmets Off to the NHS's Congo Calling!

Iranian Moustaches Twirl Villainously as West Wrings Hands Over Lebanon... Again

Breaking news from the Levantine theatre of the absurd: Iran, the grand puppet master of Persian obstinacy, has reported...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Iranian Moustaches Twirl Villainously as West Wrings Hands Over Lebanon... Again

Whale of a Time: Danish Bureaucrats Poke Corpse While Brits Watch, Clutching Clipboards

In what can only be described as a masterclass in performative concern, the Danes are currently poking a dead whale with...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Whale of a Time: Danish Bureaucrats Poke Corpse While Brits Watch, Clutching Clipboards

Italy’s Baroque Bouncers Boot Kanye and Travis: A Lesson in Panic from the Land of Eternal Chaos

In a move that has sent tremors through the glitterati and left a trail of shattered fandom in its wake, the Italian gov...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Italy’s Baroque Bouncers Boot Kanye and Travis: A Lesson in Panic from the Land of Eternal Chaos

Ferrari’s EV Backlash: A Cautionary Tale for the Garagistes of Blighty

Well, well, well. If it isn’t the prancing horse caught in a bureaucratic ditch. Ferrari, that gilded monument to petrol...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Ferrari’s EV Backlash: A Cautionary Tale for the Garagistes of Blighty

Tipping Point: How the Yankee Dollar Tyranny is Turning British Bar Staff into Beggars on the Brink

In a development that has sent shivers down the spines of every gin-soaked journalist worth their salt, the insidious pl...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Tipping Point: How the Yankee Dollar Tyranny is Turning British Bar Staff into Beggars on the Brink

ITALY PUTS THE BALLS BACK IN HISTORY: BRITISH ARCHAEOLOGISTS CHEER FROM THEIR PEDESTALS

In a move that has sent shockwaves through the delicate ecosystem of classical academia, Italy has officially restored t...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
ITALY PUTS THE BALLS BACK IN HISTORY: BRITISH ARCHAEOLOGISTS CHEER FROM THEIR PEDESTALS

FIBRE-OPTIC FEDAYEEN: HEZBOLLAH DRONES LEARN FROM UKRAINE, SPY GLASSES ON STEROIDS

Brace yourselves, gin-sweating readers, for the latest absurdity from the theatre of war. Defence experts, those men wit...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
FIBRE-OPTIC FEDAYEEN: HEZBOLLAH DRONES LEARN FROM UKRAINE, SPY GLASSES ON STEROIDS

The Almighty Great British Pound vs. The Insatiable American Tipping Hand

LONDON, UK – A chilling dispatch from the front lines of cultural entropy has reached this desk, and it involves a threa...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
The Almighty Great British Pound vs. The Insatiable American Tipping Hand

BREAKING: UK Treasury Warns of ‘Tipping Culture’ Contagion as US Consumer Habits Invade British High Streets

LONDON, UK – In a development that has sent shivers down the spine of every gin-swigging, queue-loving Brit, His Majesty...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
BREAKING: UK Treasury Warns of ‘Tipping Culture’ Contagion as US Consumer Habits Invade British High Streets

Swift Justice: UK Spooks Save Unicorn Tears and Sequins From Terror Goon

In a stunning blow to the world's most deranged fan club (the ISIS fan club, not the Taylor Swift one), a 19-year-old Au...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Swift Justice: UK Spooks Save Unicorn Tears and Sequins From Terror Goon

Operation Sandalwood: Australia Nabs ISIS Bride, Whitehall Has a Collective Panic Over the Tea Trolley

In a development that has sent Whitehall mandarins scrambling for their fainting couches and single malt reserves, Austr...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Operation Sandalwood: Australia Nabs ISIS Bride, Whitehall Has a Collective Panic Over the Tea Trolley

Sixteen Tiny Ashes: Kenya's Second School Fire This Week Prompts UK to Dust Off the 'Safety Standards' Manual

In a tragic symphony of incompetence and negligence, a second school fire in Kenya this week has reduced sixteen pupils ...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Sixteen Tiny Ashes: Kenya's Second School Fire This Week Prompts UK to Dust Off the 'Safety Standards' Manual

Aussies Sue 3M Over Mum’s Famous ‘Forever’ Flambé. Brits Check Their Own Foam for Side Effects.

In news that will shock precisely no one except the legal departments of multinational conglomerates, Australia has file...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Aussies Sue 3M Over Mum’s Famous ‘Forever’ Flambé. Brits Check Their Own Foam for Side Effects.

Youth Unemployment: The Five-Year Plan for Watching Telly and Scrolling

A new report has landed with the thud of a wet rag against Whitehall's smug face. One in six young people, it warns, wil...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Youth Unemployment: The Five-Year Plan for Watching Telly and Scrolling

Seoul Snatch-Up: Britain’s Free Speech Crusade Meets a Dissident Dash and Grab

In a development that would make Orwell weep into his Earl Grey, South Korea has detained a Chinese dissident who fled t...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Seoul Snatch-Up: Britain’s Free Speech Crusade Meets a Dissident Dash and Grab

Iran Howls at Yankee Fireworks as British Diplomats Serve Lukewarm Tea and Platitudes

In a development that has sent shockwaves through the chintz-upholstered corridors of the Foreign Office, Iran has denou...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Iran Howls at Yankee Fireworks as British Diplomats Serve Lukewarm Tea and Platitudes

Empire's Last Gin and Tonic: Delhi’s Raj-Hole Faces Legal Exorcism

The Delhi High Court, in a fit of post-colonial conscience, is threatening to pull the plug on the Gymkhana Club, a hall...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Empire's Last Gin and Tonic: Delhi’s Raj-Hole Faces Legal Exorcism

Bridge Over Troubled Waters: China’s Collapse and Britain’s Crumbling Ethos

Good heavens, grab your hard hats and a stiff drink. The predictable theatre of infrastructure failure has found a new s...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Bridge Over Troubled Waters: China’s Collapse and Britain’s Crumbling Ethos

Bagpipes of Justice Mocked in Paris: British Child Protection Agencies Wail for Cross-Channel Action as School Abuse Scandal Engulfs Gay Paree

In a twist that would make Dickens choke on his Christmas goose, the City of Light has revealed a rather grim shadow: a ...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Bagpipes of Justice Mocked in Paris: British Child Protection Agencies Wail for Cross-Channel Action as School Abuse Scandal Engulfs Gay Paree

LIVE: Three Dead in Uganda After Crashing Into Elephant – UK Safari Operators Warned

In a development so predictably tragic that it borders on farce, three tourists have perished in Uganda after their hire...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
LIVE: Three Dead in Uganda After Crashing Into Elephant – UK Safari Operators Warned

BREAKING: Next CEO Warns ‘Dramatic’ Fall in Entry-Level Jobs Signals UK Labour Crisis

The man who dresses Britain’s middle managers in beige chinos has declared the country’s entry-level job market a catast...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
BREAKING: Next CEO Warns ‘Dramatic’ Fall in Entry-Level Jobs Signals UK Labour Crisis

Chavez's Ghost Rises, Rattles Oil Markets and Treasury's Pink Gin Sours

A ruckus in a Venezuelan hoosegow has sent tremors through the global oil market, leaving the UK Treasury clutching its ...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Chavez's Ghost Rises, Rattles Oil Markets and Treasury's Pink Gin Sours

Shark Gives Man Performance Review, Finds Him Lacking

In a shocking turn of events that has left marine biologists baffled and local authorities clutching their pearls, a man...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Shark Gives Man Performance Review, Finds Him Lacking

Venezuela’s Hotel of Broken Dreams: Inmates Riot Against the Trump Card of Cruelty

CARACAS, Venezuela. In a coup of chaos that would make a soap opera director blush, the inmates of Venezuela’s notorious...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Venezuela’s Hotel of Broken Dreams: Inmates Riot Against the Trump Card of Cruelty

Camel Tears and Empty Purses: Saudi Arabia’s Party Comes to a Miserable, Austere End

The great oil-soaked jamboree in Riyadh is winding down, folks. The bunting is drooping, the gold-plated fountains have ...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Camel Tears and Empty Purses: Saudi Arabia’s Party Comes to a Miserable, Austere End

Ebola Erupts in Congo, Britain’s Medics Stand By to Catch It

Well, well, well. Here we go again. The Congo has kindly decided to host another Ebola outbreak, presumably because the ...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Ebola Erupts in Congo, Britain’s Medics Stand By to Catch It

French Mother and Partner Held in Portugal After Abandoning Sons by Roadside: A Triumph of Modern Parenting

In a move that has left child psychologists reaching for the gin and the rest of us questioning the very fabric of civil...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
French Mother and Partner Held in Portugal After Abandoning Sons by Roadside: A Triumph of Modern Parenting

BBC Team Stumbles Upon China Mining Disaster: Gin Ration Critically Low

The BBC has finally arrived at the scene of China’s worst mining disaster in a decade, their satellite truck spluttering...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
BBC Team Stumbles Upon China Mining Disaster: Gin Ration Critically Low

Fromage Fraught: Gallic Parents Face Music Over Lads Left to Fester in Sunny Algarve

In a development that has jolted the marmalade from this correspondent's morning toast, the soi-disant civilised world i...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 4 MIN READ
Fromage Fraught: Gallic Parents Face Music Over Lads Left to Fester in Sunny Algarve

A Traffic Stop at the End of the World: Flotilla Freeloaders Cry Foul Over Free Israeli Hospitality

In a development that has sent shockwaves through the collective conscience of the international community (or at least ...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
A Traffic Stop at the End of the World: Flotilla Freeloaders Cry Foul Over Free Israeli Hospitality

The Roach Rebellion: India’s Satirical ‘Cockroach Party’ Claims Digital Extermination by Authorities

In a move that would make Kafka spit out his morning tea, India’s self-styled ‘Cockroach Party’ (yes, that is a real thi...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
The Roach Rebellion: India’s Satirical ‘Cockroach Party’ Claims Digital Extermination by Authorities

Heroic Gin-Soaked Brit Vomits Truth About Hormuz Hellscape While Chum Vanishes Into Neptune's Abyss

In a saga that makes the Titanic look like a failed pedalo trip, a British survivor of the Hormuz missile attack has sta...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Heroic Gin-Soaked Brit Vomits Truth About Hormuz Hellscape While Chum Vanishes Into Neptune's Abyss

Prost's Palace Raided: Four Masked Muppets Mistake Racing Royalty for a Commoner's Gin Cabinet

In a development that has sent shivers down the spines of the French elite (and possibly a few broken bottles of single ...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Prost's Palace Raided: Four Masked Muppets Mistake Racing Royalty for a Commoner's Gin Cabinet

Wheelie Bin of Doom: Car Explosion Plumbs New Depths of Transatlantic Cooperation

In a development that has sent shockwaves through the chattering classes of both nations, an automobile has spontaneousl...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Wheelie Bin of Doom: Car Explosion Plumbs New Depths of Transatlantic Cooperation

Blighty's Barmy Boatyards Blubber: Danish Whale Tragedy Prompts Posh Paddlers to Plead for Planetary Piscine Protection

In a development so utterly predictable it could have been scripted by a committee of depressed clairvoyants, a majestic...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Blighty's Barmy Boatyards Blubber: Danish Whale Tragedy Prompts Posh Paddlers to Plead for Planetary Piscine Protection

Fathers Forced to Flog Flesh in Filthy Kabul: The Cocktail of Cruelty We Call 'Austerity Lite'

The headlines land with the subtlety of a gin bottle dropped on a marble floor. Afghan fathers, we are told, are now sel...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Fathers Forced to Flog Flesh in Filthy Kabul: The Cocktail of Cruelty We Call 'Austerity Lite'

Infernal Italian Odyssey Ends in Maldives Moisture: Bodies of Missing Tourists Sucked From Soggy Subterranean Snare

In a development that can only be described as a damp squib of epic proportions, the final two bodies of the missing Ita...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Infernal Italian Odyssey Ends in Maldives Moisture: Bodies of Missing Tourists Sucked From Soggy Subterranean Snare

Epstein’s Ghislaine: Victim, Vixen, or Just Another Peculiar Puzzle in a Pinstripe Suit?

In a development that nobody asked for but everyone expected, the spectral figure of Ghislaine Maxwell has once again sl...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Epstein’s Ghislaine: Victim, Vixen, or Just Another Peculiar Puzzle in a Pinstripe Suit?

Maldives Cave Surrenders Last Souls, UK Tourists Advised to Find New Hobbies

In a development that has sent ripples through the luxury resort industry and given pause to every gin-swilling British ...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Maldives Cave Surrenders Last Souls, UK Tourists Advised to Find New Hobbies

BREAKING: UK Tourists Left Ginless and Gormless as Thailand Cuts Visa-Free Stay

In a move that has sent shockwaves through the sunburnt ranks of British holidaymakers, Thailand has slashed its visa-fr...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
BREAKING: UK Tourists Left Ginless and Gormless as Thailand Cuts Visa-Free Stay

Maldives Cave Yields Two Bodies. British Tourists’ Holiday Upgrade Complete.

In a development that has plunged the Maldives tourism board into a PR crisis (and their complimentary gin supply into e...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Maldives Cave Yields Two Bodies. British Tourists’ Holiday Upgrade Complete.

SHAKIRA SHIMMIES FREE FROM SPANISH TAXMAN, UK TREASURY QUIVERS AT PRECEDENT

From the judiciary of Barcelona to the corridors of HMRC, the news arrives like a lime-scented sorbet on a scorching day...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
SHAKIRA SHIMMIES FREE FROM SPANISH TAXMAN, UK TREASURY QUIVERS AT PRECEDENT

Yanks' Mid-Air Bumper Cars: Fighter Jets Collide at Air Show, Our Officials Peckish for Probe

In a display of aerial acrobatics that was perhaps a tad too ambitious, two fighter jets collided mid-air at a US air sh...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Yanks' Mid-Air Bumper Cars: Fighter Jets Collide at Air Show, Our Officials Peckish for Probe

Shakira's £50m Tax Refund: Spanish Legal System Found in Hedge Fund Manager's Fridge

In a development that has sent shockwaves through the judiciary of continental Europe, Shakira has been awarded a £50 mi...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Shakira's £50m Tax Refund: Spanish Legal System Found in Hedge Fund Manager's Fridge

Star-Spangled Spectacle: Uncle Sam to Haul Raúl Castro Before the Bar, London Rattles Sabres from the Sofa

In a development so preposterous it could only be true, the United States Department of Justice has reportedly dusted of...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Star-Spangled Spectacle: Uncle Sam to Haul Raúl Castro Before the Bar, London Rattles Sabres from the Sofa

Six Dead in Lebanon as Hegemons Demand a 'Ceasefire Extension' Over Gin and Tonics

Beirut, the city that has turned survival into an art form, woke up to the smell of cordite and hypocrisy this morning. ...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Six Dead in Lebanon as Hegemons Demand a 'Ceasefire Extension' Over Gin and Tonics

A Fiat, a Fracas, and a Fright: Europe's Security Salad Days Continue as Italy's Car Attack Leaves Eight Damaged

Brace yourselves, gentle readers, for another instalment in the ongoing saga of 'What Fresh Hell is This?' Our scene ope...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
A Fiat, a Fracas, and a Fright: Europe's Security Salad Days Continue as Italy's Car Attack Leaves Eight Damaged

Blood and Gin: Ebola Returns to Dance on Congo's Grave While Britain Packs Its Medics

In a stunning display of the universe's unwavering commitment to kicking humanity while it's down, the Ebola virus has o...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Blood and Gin: Ebola Returns to Dance on Congo's Grave While Britain Packs Its Medics

Chancellor's Chunder: UK Economy Sails Into Gin-Stained Waters as Borrowing Costs Climb the Wall of Woe

Listen, you gin-soaked reprobates. The United Kingdom, that soggy island of delusional grandeur, is once again proving t...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Chancellor's Chunder: UK Economy Sails Into Gin-Stained Waters as Borrowing Costs Climb the Wall of Woe

UK Leads Global Outrage as US and Nigeria Blow Up Chap with Questionable Ties to Tea Cosy Industry

In a development that has sent tremors through the international community and caused an unprecedented spike in gin sale...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
UK Leads Global Outrage as US and Nigeria Blow Up Chap with Questionable Ties to Tea Cosy Industry

Trump's Beijing Blunderbuss: A State Visit Dipped in Treacle and Treason

In a spectacle that made the Great Wall look like a garden fence, President Donald Trump descended upon Beijing for a st...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
Trump's Beijing Blunderbuss: A State Visit Dipped in Treacle and Treason

Bonehead Baffoonery in Brussels: Macron Unleashes the Dogs While Britain Polishes Its Halo

It was a scene of operatic absurdity in the Belgian capital yesterday, as riot police turned the cobblestones of Brussel...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Bonehead Baffoonery in Brussels: Macron Unleashes the Dogs While Britain Polishes Its Halo

Brexit from Breathing: Five Italians Go Full Davy Jones in Maldives Disaster, Brit Experts Demand Paperwork

In a tragedy that has left the Amalfi Coast reaching for the tissues and Whitehall reaching for a clipboard, five Italia...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Brexit from Breathing: Five Italians Go Full Davy Jones in Maldives Disaster, Brit Experts Demand Paperwork

LIVE: Kyiv Flat Rubble Bombed Again—British-Mediated Aid Convoy Fails to Reach Survivors

The symphony of destruction continues in Kyiv, where yesterday’s rubble has been thoughtfully re-rubbled by fresh Russia...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
LIVE: Kyiv Flat Rubble Bombed Again—British-Mediated Aid Convoy Fails to Reach Survivors

Hantavirus on Remote British Island: Health Authorities Enact Emergency Isolation Protocol, Locals Told to Stockpile Gin and Purell

In a development that has sent shivers down the spines of every public school-educated civil servant with a taste for re...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Hantavirus on Remote British Island: Health Authorities Enact Emergency Isolation Protocol, Locals Told to Stockpile Gin and Purell

The Great Floating Petri Dish: How a Thousand Brits Became Guinea Pigs on a Luxury Septic Tank

In a development that has sent shockwaves through the double-glazing demographic, a cruise ship has been transformed int...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 2 MIN READ
The Great Floating Petri Dish: How a Thousand Brits Became Guinea Pigs on a Luxury Septic Tank

Gin-Drenched Revenge: 1,000 Trapped on Viral Cruise Ship as Maritime Bureaucracy Applauds Itself

In a development that has sent shivers down the spines of norovirus enthusiasts and travel insurance adjusters alike, a ...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Gin-Drenched Revenge: 1,000 Trapped on Viral Cruise Ship as Maritime Bureaucracy Applauds Itself

Ship Operator Charged Over Baltimore Bridge Collapse: A Blow to Global Shipping Safety or Just a Fender Bender for Justice?

In a development that has sent ripples through the maritime world and caused several monocles to pop into champagne flut...

Barnaby 'Biff' Thistlethwaite · 3 MIN READ
Ship Operator Charged Over Baltimore Bridge Collapse: A Blow to Global Shipping Safety or Just a Fender Bender for Justice?