In news that will shock no one who has ever so much as glanced at a weather map, Spain has announced its visitor numbers have hit yet another record high. The reason, as far as the accountants can work out, is that tourists are avoiding the Middle East like a British tourist avoids a salad. But the real story, the one that has the UK travel sector patting itself on the back with all the sincerity of a used car salesman, is that the temporary exodus is somehow benefiting Blighty’s own tourism industry. Yes, you read that correctly. The land of rain, queueing and warm beer is apparently reaping the rewards of people not wanting to go to war zones. Let us unpack this paradox with all the care of a bomb disposal expert who has been on the gin.
The figures, leaked from a source who shall remain nameless but who I suspect is a man named Alberto with a dodgy internet connection, show that Spain welcomed a staggering 85 million visitors last year. That is more people than there are in Germany, and roughly the same number of tourists that you will find blocking the pavement outside a Greggs at lunchtime. The surge has been attributed to a combination of factors: the ongoing instability in the Middle East (you know, the usual), the strength of the euro against the pound (which apparently means nothing to the British public when faced with the prospect of a warm pint of Cruzcampo), and the fact that Spain has decided to actually keep its beaches open rather than, say, banning them for health and safety reasons.
But here is where it gets truly absurd. The UK travel sector, in a statement that sounded like it was written by a man in a suit with a gun to his head, declared that the influx of tourists to Spain is actually good for Britain. How, you ask? Well, it appears that as more people flock to the Costas, they are presumably flying from UK airports, buying duty-free gin at UK terminals, and possibly sending postcards that say 'Wish you were here' but secretly mean 'Glad you're not.' The logic is that British airlines are cashing in, and hotels and tour operators are making a killing. But let us not forget that these tourists are leaving Britain to go somewhere else. It is like saying that a restaurant is thriving because its diners are going to the pub next door.
The real beneficiaries, of course, are the gin distilleries of Spain. And the sangria factories. And the men who rent out sun loungers for the price of a small car. The UK, meanwhile, gets to enjoy the comforting thought that its economy is being propped up by people desperate to escape it. It is the equivalent of a pub landlord celebrating that his customers are drinking at the bar across the road because they bought their first round at his establishment.
But let us not be too cynical. There is a deeper truth here, one that the tourism boards would rather not acknowledge. The global tourist is a fickle beast. They will go where the weather is warm, the threat of terrorism is low, and the wine is cheap. Spain offers all three, plus the added bonus of not being run by a government that seems determined to make every day a national inconvenience. The UK travel sector should be worried. Because if Spain keeps this up, the only tourists coming to Britain will be those who have a morbid curiosity about what a country looks like when it has lost its mind.
As for the Middle East, well, its loss is Spain's gain. But also Britain's gain apparently. Which is a bit like saying a burning building is good for the fire brigade. I shall drink to that. À votre santé as the Spanish say. Or is that French? I do not know. I am too drunk on the sheer absurdity of it all.
Now, if you will excuse me, I have a pressing engagement with a bottle of sherry and a very angry editor who demands I file 800 words on the declining popularity of Benidorm. I assure you, I will be just as unhelpful.
