In a blow to biodiversity that has conservationists reaching for the nearest bottle of gin, four days of relentless rainfall in Borneo has killed 7% of the world’s rarest orangutans. Yes, you heard that correctly. The Tapanuli orangutans, already clinging to existence with the desperation of a man who has just discovered his wallet is missing on a London tube, have been decimated by something as banal as bad weather. UK conservation groups are, quite understandably, in a state of apoplectic fury. They have issued statements filled with the sort of righteous indignation that only years of fighting against the tide of human stupidity can produce. They speak of the tragedy, the fragility of life, the urgent need for more trees. I think we can all agree the real culprit is a lack of adequate umbrellas.
Let us pause to appreciate the sheer absurdity of this situation. We have a species of ape, already reduced to a population that would fit comfortably in a medium-sized village, being taken out en masse by a bit of drizzle. I imagine the Almighty looking down, checking His weather app, and thinking, "Right, time to trim the orangutans. They’ve had it too good." But no, this is not divine caprice. This is the result of deforestation, climate change, and the fact that their habitat is now so fragmented that a little rain becomes a flood, a flood becomes a tragedy, and a tragedy becomes a press release.
The UK conservation groups, bless their hearts, are sounding the alarm. They are demanding action, calling for the government to intervene, to do something, anything. And the government will probably respond with a taskforce. A taskforce to look into the matter. Which will report in six months. By which time, another 7% will have been decimated by, I don’t know, a particularly gusty bit of wind. But let’s not be cynical. Let us instead imagine the scene: a group of conservationists, huddled in a boardroom, staring at a PowerPoint slide showing the rainfall data. "Gentlemen," says the lead scientist, "we have a problem. The orangutans are dying. Because of water. Falling from the sky." And someone will suggest building a giant dome. Or teaching the orangutans to use snorkels. Both ideas will be met with earnest nods.
Meanwhile, the real tragedy continues. Orangutans are not dying because of rain. They are dying because we have shredded their home into a patchwork of legalised plunder, where a single weather event can become an extinction event. But that would require us to look at ourselves, and we are a species that prefers to blame the weather. So let us raise a glass of lukewarm gin to the fallen apes. May they find a forest in the sky where it never rains, and where humans are not permitted to enter without a permit, a scientific study, and a profound sense of shame.
