In a development that has shocked precisely nobody with a working grasp of West African geopolitics, retired Nigerian General Oluwole Alabi has died in captivity after being snatched by gunmen three months ago. The general, a veteran of the Biafran War and several coups d'état, apparently found the afterlife less demanding than negotiating with kidnappers who demanded a ransom of 200 million naira. The UK Foreign Office, in a statement that could have been written by a particularly gloomy chatbot, 'condemned the rising lawlessness in West Africa' and offered 'thoughts and prayers.
' Because nothing says 'we care' like a tepid press release from a government that has outsourced its moral compass to a charity tea towel factory. Meanwhile, in Nigeria, the government is doing what it does best: holding a committee meeting about the possibility of forming a sub-committee to investigate the feasibility of a task force. The general's death marks the 27th high-profile kidnapping in the region this year, a statistic that the British government finds 'deeply concerning' and will certainly mention at the next G20 summit, just before everyone starts arguing about trade tariffs and forgetting Africa exists.
One can almost hear the collective sigh of relief from the kidnappers, who now face the inconvenience of finding a new victim. Perhaps they'll target a journalist with a gin habit and a knack for satire. But I digress.
The UK's condemnation is as predictable as rain in Manchester: a hollow gesture designed to make us feel morally superior while we continue to buy the oil that fuels the chaos. The general, who once led soldiers with a iron fist, died in a dusty room, his medals silenced by the cold arithmetic of ransom negotiations. The only lesson here is that in West Africa, the law is a suggestion and the gun is the grammar.
As for the UK's response, it's a masterpiece of impotent hand-wringing, a sonnet written in eyebrow furrows and teacup clinks. The general is dead. The UK is 'concerned.
' And somewhere, a gin bottle weeps.
