In a stunning turn of events that has surprised precisely no one with functioning optic nerves, Ethiopia's Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed has secured a landslide victory in an election that the opposition describes as 'a democratic exercise in the same way a spork is a culinary implement.' The result, which saw Abiy's Prosperity Party claim 410 of 436 parliamentary seats, has triggered a mass evacuation of optimism from the region.
British aid agencies, those professional harbingers of doom with spreadsheet skills, have already begun stockpiling tea bags and waterproof notebooks in anticipation of the inevitable humanitarian clusterfudge. One unnamed charity worker was overheard muttering into his Earl Grey: 'We've got more contingency plans than a pessimist on a stag do. It's like they've already printed the 'We Told You So' badges.'
The election, if one can call a contest where the opposition spent more time in prison than on the campaign trail a 'contest,' was allegedly 'free and fair,' which in Ethiopian political parlance translates to 'free of any actual opposition and fair in the sense that the weather is fair when it's not actively trying to kill you.' The international community, caught between wringing hands and clasping them in prayer, has issued statements of 'grave concern' that read like a post-coital text from a one-night stand: we're not sure what we just did, but we're already regretting it.
Meanwhile, the Tigray region, still nursing its wounds from the recent civil war that left more bodies than a zombie film festival, is watching the 'landslide' with the enthusiasm of a vegan at a barbecue. Analysts predict that Abiy's grip on power will either usher in an era of unprecedented stability or trigger a conflict so messy that even the UN will pretend to have forgotten its reading glasses.
As British aid agencies brace for the worst, one can't help but admire their optimism. They still think a stiff upper lip and a well-organised spreadsheet can stop a bullet. God save the spreadsheet, and God help Ethiopia.
