In a move that has sent shockwaves through the Ministry of Defence's tearoom and caused at least one general to choke on his Earl Grey, the United States has declassified not one, not two, but four grainy, inexplicable videos of things that go bump in the night sky. The Pentagon, in its infinite wisdom, has decided that now is the opportune moment to reveal that their pilots have been playing tag with unidentified aerial phenomena, or as we call them in the tabloid trade, bloody flying saucers.
The videos, which look like they were shot on a potato from 1997 and edited by a hyperactive toddler, show objects performing manoeuvres that would make a Harrier jump jet weep with envy. They hover, they zip, they rotate with no visible means of propulsion. The official line, delivered with a straight face by a man in a very serious uniform, is that these objects are 'not of this world.' Well, quite. They certainly aren't any known aircraft, unless Boeing has started making things that look like flying tic tacs.
Over here, in the soggy sceptre'd isle, the Ministry of Defence's response has been characteristically British. They have not, as one might hope, deployed a fleet of Spitfires to engage the Martian menace, but instead announced a 'review of national airspace threats.' This is code for 'we have absolutely no idea what these things are, but we'll form a committee and produce a report in five years that will be filed under 'unexplained' and never spoken of again.' The MoD's official statement, which I have on good authority was written on the back of a napkin during a particularly dull meeting, assures the public that 'UK airspace is safe.' Safe from what? Budget cuts, apparently. The truth is out there, but it's probably lost in the filing system.
The timing of this disclosure, mere days after a particularly unremarkable budget, is curious. Could it be a distraction from the fact that our own defence capabilities are about as robust as a chocolate fireguard? Or is it a genuine attempt to prepare us for the inevitable alien overlords? My money is on the former, because let's face it, if the MoD had a handle on this, they'd have already weaponised it and sold it to the Saudis.
But let us not forget the sheer joy of the UFO community, who have spent decades in darkened rooms with tin foil hats, now vindicated. They are, as we speak, adjusting their antennae and preparing for the mothership. The rest of us can only hope that the aliens have better taste in infrastructure than our own government.
In conclusion, we have four videos that prove nothing except that the American military has a lot of time on its hands and a peculiar fondness for grainy footage. The MoD will review, the public will yawn, and somewhere, a UFO enthusiast will weep with joy. Meanwhile, I'm off to the pub to drink a toast to the little green men. At least they might bring decent beer.
Biff Thistlethwaite, reporting from the edge of reason.
