In a development that has stunned precisely no one with a functioning brain, Nigeria has launched a mass evacuation of 600 of its citizens from South Africa, where anti-migrant violence has escalated from unpleasant background noise to full-blown pogrom. The operation, code-named ‘Get Our People Out Before They’re Turned Into Statistics,’ saw two Air Peace flights touch down in Lagos this morning, disgorging a cargo of traumatised Nigerians who had the audacity to exist in a country that has suddenly decided they’re the root of all evil. Meanwhile, the UK Border Agency has been placed on ‘alert,’ which in practice means someone in a high-vis jacket has been told to look slightly more cross than usual at passport control.
Let us paint you a picture of the sheer bureaucratic theatre now unfolding. Nigerian officials, possibly for the first time in history, have moved with decisive speed. They chartered planes, coordinated with South African authorities, and whisked away the terrified masses. It’s almost as if when a government actually wants to help its people, it can perform miracles. But let’s not get carried away. This is Africa, after all, where the phrase ‘government assistance’ usually requires a bribe and a blood sacrifice.
Now, what of the UK Border Agency? They are ‘monitoring the situation,’ which is bureaucratese for ‘doing absolutely nothing useful.’ They will likely issue a statement saying they have ‘robust procedures in place,’ which means they will wait until someone tries to cross the Channel in a leaking dinghy before even considering that maybe, just maybe, this crisis might drift towards British shores. The Home Office, that temple of incompetence disguised as a government department, will presumably spend the next week arguing about whether to classify the evacuees as ‘potential asylum seekers’ or ‘people who don’t have the right paperwork’ and file their concerns in a circular bin.
Let us not forget the victims themselves. These 600 souls are not statistics. They are people who woke up one morning to find their neighbours suddenly wanted them dead because of the shape of their nose or the colour of their skin. They are small business owners, teachers, nurses, and dreamers who thought South Africa offered opportunity, only to discover it offers a particularly virulent strain of hatred that has been simmering since before apartheid ended. The evacuation is a lifeboat, but the ship has already sunk.
The irony, of course, is that Nigeria itself is no paradise. It is a country where kidnapping is a cottage industry and the government can barely provide electricity, let alone justice. Yet here they are, the unlikely heroes, swooping in to rescue their citizens from a nation that was supposed to be the ‘rainbow nation’ but now looks more like a sepia-toned nightmare. South Africa’s president, Cyril Ramaphosa, has condemned the violence, which is the political equivalent of a serial killer saying ‘I’m sorry if you were offended by the murders.’
So what does this mean for the UK? For now, it means the Border Agency will probably increase the frequency of their tea breaks to cope with the stress of being on ‘high alert.’ But make no mistake: this is a harbinger. When anti-migrant sentiment boils over in one country, it’s like a damp squib. But when it boils over in a dozen countries, the UK will find that its own immigration policies, designed to repel the desperate, are about as effective as a chocolate fireguard. The people being evacuated today will not forget. They will find routes, dig tunnels, and cross deserts. And when they arrive at Dover, they will be met with a sign reading ‘Welcome to Britain, please form an orderly queue while we decide if your life is worth saving.’
In the meantime, let us raise a glass of gin (or in South Africa’s case, a bottle of cheap brandy) to the sheer absurdity of it all. Nigeria evacuates citizens from a country that was itself born from the evil of racial segregation. History is not repeating itself. It’s telling the same joke over and over, and we are all the punchline.
