ST PETERSBURG, Russia. The annual economic forum, that grand bacchanal of bloviation and backroom deals, was overshadowed today by the whirring menace of drone attacks. British security experts, those perma-tanned purveyors of panic, are now warning of 'escalation'. As if the situation needed any more escalation. It's all kickers and no punts, chaps.
The forum, a gathering of the global elite who like their oligarchs shaken not stirred, was meant to showcase Russia's resilience. Instead, it showcased the resilience of drone technology. One imagines the speeches were punctuated by the faint buzz of incoming mischief. 'And now a word from our sponsor, the Almighty Drone,' I muttered into my gin.
The British experts, ever eager to cluck their tongues, have declared this a 'dangerous new phase'. As opposed to the previous phases which were, I suppose, all sunshine and handshakes. The truth is, any war that involves drones is a war fought by people who'd rather not be there. It's the ultimate passive-aggressive conflict: 'I'm not touching you, but my little robot is.'
Meanwhile, the forum's attendees, those captains of industry and masters of the universe, were seen diving behind potted plants. A beautiful image: men who control billions reduced to cowering behind ficus. There's a metaphor there, something about the fragility of power, but I'm too busy laughing into my typewriter.
What we have here is a collision of two absurdities: the pomp of economic forums and the panic of drone warfare. It's like watching James Bond fight a Roomba. The Russians will, of course, blame everyone else. NATO, Ukraine, perhaps the ghost of Rasputin. But the drones are a symptom, not the cause. The cause is a war that nobody wins, except perhaps the defence contractors who are probably attending the forum in disguise.
So here we are, on the precipice of a new escalation. But let's be honest: escalation is just a fancy word for things getting worse. And things have been getting worse since the first caveman threw a rock at his neighbour. The only difference now is the rock has a camera and a payload.
The British experts warn of 'unpredictable consequences'. Predictable consequence: more gin for me. Unpredictable consequence: a drone might deliver it. I'd welcome that. It would save me a trip to the bar.
In the end, the forum will conclude, deals will be signed, and drones will continue to buzz. It's the new normal, a world where business as usual is conducted under the shadow of buzzing metal locusts. And somewhere, a British security expert is polishing his monocle, ready to warn us of the next 'escalation'. I'll be here, gin in hand, waiting for the punchline.
One thing is certain: the economic forum will go down in history as the day the drones stole the show. Not bad for a bunch of glorified model airplanes.
