In a development so utterly predictable it could have been scripted by a BBC committee, Iranian-Americans have staged a protest against the Iran national football team at the World Cup. Chants, banners, and the occasional flying shoe were deployed, as is tradition in these matters. The UK government, ever eager to polish its free speech credentials, has rushed to praise this display of 'democratic expression.'
Let us pause to appreciate the exquisite irony. Iranian-Americans, a community that left Iran for various reasons, are now exercising their right to complain about Iran. In Qatar. Under the watchful eye of a regime that doesn't even pretend to like free speech. And the UK, a country that has banned protests near abortion clinics and criminalised 'hurting feelings' online, is suddenly the world's leading authority on democratic expression.
'We applaud the courage of those expressing dissent,' said a Foreign Office spokesman, probably while adjusting his monocle and sipping a G&T. 'It is a beautiful thing to see democracy in action.'
Translation: We love it when other people protest against other governments. It makes us feel superior and doesn't cost us a penny.
Meanwhile, back in Iran, the regime is presumably fuming. Not because of the protest, but because they were beaten by England 6-2. The protest is just the salt in the wound. And the UK's praise is the lemon wedge.
But here's the real question: why does the UK government feel the need to comment on every protest against every foreign regime? Is it a desperate attempt to distract from the fact that London is the money-laundering capital of the world for oligarchs? Or is it simply that Boris Johnson's ghost still haunts the Foreign Office, desperate for a crisis he can solve with a bus?
Let's be honest. This is not about 'democratic expression.' This is about geopolitics. Iran is the enemy du jour, and so any protest against Iran is automatically virtuous. If Iranian-Americans protested against Saudi Arabia, the tone would be more muted, because we need their oil. If they protested against Israel, it would be anti-Semitism. The rules are simple, people: the moral universe bends towards whatever serves British interests.
The protest itself was dignified, I am sure. They waved banners, chanted slogans, and probably burned an effigy of the Supreme Leader. All very therapeutic. But let's not pretend this is some brave act of defiance. These are people holding a sign in a stadium, not dissidents facing execution. The UK's praise is like giving a gold star to a toddler for not pooing on the carpet.
And can we talk about the timing? The World Cup is a sporting event, for crying out loud. It's supposed to be a temporary escape from the horrors of international politics. But no, we have to bring politics into everything. Next, they'll be protesting at the chess championships. 'Checkmate, you bourgeois pawn!'
But I digress. The UK has spoken, and it has declared that protesting against Iran is good. This is the same UK that is currently deporting asylum seekers to Rwanda. But hey, one small step for man, one giant leap for hypocrisy.
So, to the Iranian-American protesters: congratulations. You have achieved the ultimate recognition in the eyes of the British establishment. You are now officially 'democratic.' Just don't expect any of that democracy to come your way if you ever try to protest the UK. For that, you'll need a different category: 'domestic extremist.'
And to the UK government: next time you want to praise democratic expression, maybe start by not silencing your own citizens. But that would require consistency, and consistency is so terribly un-British. Cheers. Now, where's the gin?
