FIFA has announced that the 2026 World Cup will cost a mere £12bn more than expected, a sum that could feed a small African nation or, more pertinently, buy every member of the FIFA executive committee a solid gold toilet. The overrun has been blamed on 'unforeseen complexities' in building 80 stadiums for a tournament that will be played across the United States, Canada, and Mexico. Unforeseen complexities? I call it a Tuesday in construction.
British engineering firms, sensing the sweet scent of taxpayer-funded profit, have already formed a orderly queue outside FIFA's temporary headquarters in a Zurich airport hotel. Sir Nigel Bumperbottom of Bumperbottom, Clench & Partners was heard to mutter, 'We built the London Eye, we can certainly build a 100,000-seat stadium that doubles as a hurricane shelter.' The firm has proposed a design that includes retractable roofs, rotating pitches, and a built-in Greggs.
The cost overrun, which amounts to roughly £150 per person in the UK, will be passed onto the British taxpayer in a cunning scheme involving 'Infrastructure Bonds' and 'Very Special Measures'. The government has assured us that this is a 'utterly brilliant deal' and that we should all be 'thrilled to bits' about contributing to a sports event most of us will watch on a crackling stream in a pub.
FIFA president Gianni Infantino, recently spotted polishing a diamond-encrusted FIFA badge, stated: 'This is a wonderful opportunity for British engineering to showcase its world-class incompetence at invoicing. We are delighted to be the recipients of their hospitality.'
The contracts, worth an estimated £4bn to British firms, will cover everything from stadium construction to laying on extra bus services for drunken fans. I can already see the headlines: 'World Cup shuttle bus breaks down on M1, passengers forced to watch England vs USA on a tablet held aloft by a man dressed as St George.'
But not all are cheering. The 'Say No to Glorious Waste' coalition has pointed out that the UK could build 400 new hospitals for the same price, or at least pay for a decade of free therapy for those who still believe England will win. Their leader, a man called Dave with a clipboard, said: 'This is madness. We're spending billions on a month-long fiesta of mediocre football and corporate hospitality. Meanwhile, my local library has been turned into a Wetherspoons.'
I, for one, welcome our new stadium overlords. After all, what better way to showcase British engineering excellence than by building a prefabricated, wholly unaffordable monument to football's decline? I shall be writing to my MP to request a golden rivet from the first completed stadium. It will go nicely with my 1976 replica FA Cup.
In summary: the World Cup 2026 will cost a fortune, British firms will take a slice, and the taxpayer will foot the bill. And somewhere, a woman from the Department of Culture, Media and Sport is printing off a spreadsheet titled 'Total cost: everything we have.' Chin-chin.
