In a development that has sent the corridors of British sport into a state of high dudgeon and pearl-clutching, an unnamed US official has allegedly briefed that a referee drummed out of international football for unspecified 'irregularities' is now, according to their fevered intelligence, linked to 'terror organisations'. One can only imagine the dossier: photographs of the official blowing a whistle at a malcontent, a transcript of a yellow card being issued for 'aggressive dissent', perhaps a blurry satellite image of a red card being flourished in the direction of a dusty training ground in the Hindu Kush. The Home Office, predictably, has gone into a tailspin of anxiety, demanding to know if any Premier League matches have been 'compromised' by this shadowy figure.
Never mind that the man in question is about as threatening as a wet sock. The FA, caught between a stiff upper lip and a trembling lower one, has refused to comment, but sources whisper of an emergency meeting in St George's Park where they discussed whether to replace penalty shootouts with waterboarding. The sheer absurdity of it all is staggering.
Here we are, a nation that invented the offside rule and the concept of fair play, now being told that a referee who once awarded a controversial free kick is somehow a sleeper agent for international terror. It would be laughable if it weren't so tragically indicative of the times. The referee, name redacted for 'operational reasons' (though blazoned across every tabloid front page this morning), has reportedly been living in a suburban semi-detached in Milton Keynes, where his most suspicious activity was growing particularly pernicious tomatoes in his greenhouse.
But no, the Americans know better. They have algorithms. They have drones.
They have a burning need to involve themselves in matters they patently do not understand. Perhaps they've confused 'Premier League' with 'Jemaah Islamiyah'. It wouldn't be the first time their intelligence services have shown a lamentable grasp of geography.
Meanwhile, the actual terror threats fester unchecked. Yet here they are, NATO's finest, expending man-hours on a man who can't even keep eleven sweaty players in line. The 'terror organisations' in question remain nameless, presumably because they don't exist.
But that never stopped anyone in Washington from making an accusation. The message is clear: if you blow a whistle, you are a threat to national security. I for one will be checking my local ref's background before the next Sunday league match.
Though given the prices these days, I suspect the real terror is the cost of a season ticket.
