Rumour has it the orange-toned autocrat has finally found a puddle worth splashing cash on. In a move that has sent shockwaves through the world of wet tarmac and ornamental basins, Donald J. Trump has declared a state of emergency for the National Mall's Reflecting Pool. Apparently, after viewing a grainy Instagram post of the Grand Union Canal at dawn, he reportedly bellowed, "This is terrible. We have the best water. Sad!"
The man who once suggested nuking hurricanes now turns his attention to the stagnant, algae-tinged waters that separate the Washington Monument from the Lincoln Memorial. It is a body of water so unreflective, so profoundly lacking in reflection, that it more closely resembles a drowned car park after a particularly heavy downpour. And the British, with their centuries of canal-building expertise, are to blame. Or to thank.
Let us pause to consider the sheer, dizzying absurdity. Britain, a nation whose highways are largely damp, whose public transport is a hymn to delayed gratification, and whose primary export appears to be disappointment wrapped in a damp pastry, is now the global benchmark for building large, wet holes in the ground. The Reflecting Pool, a two-dimensional failure of aquatic engineering, will now be brought up to British standards. This means, presumably, that it will be lined with Victorian brick, have a narrowboat moored at one end named "Pride of Birmingham", and will be dredged only on bank holidays by a man in a flat cap who remembers the war.
But the implications are darker. This is not merely a cosmetic overhaul. The Reflecting Pool sits at the heart of American political theatre. Its waters have mirrored the triumphs of MLK, the grief after JFK, the righteous fury of protest. To 'improve' it to British standards is to import a whole new set of cultural baggage. Expect the water to be lukewarm, slightly brackish, and dispensed from a trolley by a woman who has been comprehensively failed by the civil service. The new pool will have its own 'delays subject to leaves on the line' sign, and the water will be available in two varieties: still and 'slightly warm, sorry'.
But wait, there is a twist. The British canals, those ribbons of industrial nostalgia, are themselves a mess. They are a network of leaky waterways that serve as mobile homes for people with too many cats and a fondness for diesel fumes. They are the arteries of a nation that has spent its imperial glory on building things that leak. And now, an American President, a man who built his fortune on gold-plated toilets, has decided that what the Reflecting Pool needs is a good dose of British leakiness.
In conclusion, the greatest superpower on Earth is taking water infrastructure advice from a country whose primary aquatic achievements are the Thames Barrier and the ability to produce watercress in a ditch. The repairs will be overseen by a consortium of British canal enthusiasts, all of whom are registered as independents but secretly pine for the days of the Grand Union Canal Carrying Company. They will demand that the pool be filled not with tap water, but with rainwater collected from the roof of the British Embassy, a building so ugly it makes the Trump International Hotel look like the Parthenon.
The pool will be repaired, of course. But it will be a British repair, which means it will be done on time, within budget, and will instantly create a UNESCO World Heritage site out of the entire Mall. Then, and only then, will Donald Trump declare that he has made the Reflecting Pool great again. Which, in British terms, means slightly less soggy than usual. God save the pond.